Disrupt The Ecosystem | Burn This Mother Down

I took a self-defense class this week and the instructor told us her story of the time she was attacked in her home. It blew my mind. Not because she was attacked in her home – although that was scary to hear – but the circumstances around the attack…they were gut wrenching. The main gist…a guy comes to the door in the middle of the night, she lets him in, and for 90 minutes she placates him and tries to fix the situation, knowing that he came there to rape her. Why? Because this guy and his family was friends with her and her family, and if he went through with his intentions, it would change everything…for everyone…not just her. It would disrupt the balance of her ecosystem. Everyone would have to adapt to or reject this new truth that was unfolding in front of her, and relationships would surely have to change. She didn’t want to be a burden to those close to her. She didn’t want those relationships to change because of her. She didn’t want to disrupt her ecosystem.

Holy shit. Mind blown.

When she was telling the class this story, I had one of those experiences where everyone else in the room just rippled away. I was transfixed onto her eyes. I could see her lips moving and I could hear her words…but they didn’t sound like words…they FELT like waves crashing up against me.

This beautiful, amazonian, goddess of a woman, has a background in all kinds of martial arts and MMA fighting. She had every tool she needed to throw this guy out of her house…and eventually she did…but for 90 minutes her unconcious programming that told her not to be a bother, not to stir the pot, or whatever bullshit lies she had internalized her whole life, overrode her  basic instinct to survive.

Are you guys hearing this??

The pressure she felt to keep the status quo overrode her instinct to keep HER SELF SAFE. And I can’t help but think that if this had been a stranger, she would have kicked his ass out immediately. But with this guy, this friend of the family, this was going to be different. She knew this new truth would affect more than just herself, that it would ripple out to others, and that terrified her more than the unsafe situation she found herself in.

And I wish I could say that her fears were unwarranted, but she said she lost friends over this. Goddamn.

This class was eye-opening for me. The stories, the statistics, the patterns of submissive behavior we find fabricated into the feminine spirit. It made me reflect on how many times I’ve subdued myself, my thoughts, my eyes, my body to make other people around me more comfortable. How many times I’ve giggled at a drunk douchebag so I didn’t hurt his feelings. How many times I forced a smile on my face when I just wanted to be left alone. How many times I’ve said yes, when I desperately wanted to say no. How many times I’ve kept quiet and let things happen to me. How many times I’ve ignored my intuition, my gut feelings, so I wasn’t a disturbance. How many times my lips have locked secrets and unspoken truths in my body. All to protect everyone else…from me.

And then I see my 10 year old daughter, and the ways I’ve coerced and patted and smoothed her down until she fit into that exact, shiny, pristine box. Be nice. Give so and so a hug, a kiss. Make it easy, Abby. Say thank you. Say you’re welcome. Don’t interrupt. Be a good girl for the sitter so she wants to come back. Obey. Basically, make sure you’re good for the grown-ass adult humans in your life so they stick around.

Does anyone else feel like throwing up yet??

This is how I’ve been living my life, doing whatever it takes to keep people around. I did this unconsciously, and I did it for ALL the people, anyone, everyone. But even in this new skin, I still find this to be a pattern for me. And it feels like the stakes are higher now than ever. I find that I still have strong tendencies to protect the people who are left, who are still listening, from who I really am, from how I feel, from what I really believe…or don’t believe. Caring so much for everyone else’s stress and anxiety, that I lose myself in the process. It’s just so engrained in me. It’s my default.

But this is an exhausting existence, “living” life to make other’s lives easier, accepting the role of diplomat in my own life. Working so hard to pat and smooth myself down, so that I’m an easier pill to swallow, so that others don’t have to deal with ALL of me. And I’m not so sure they ever even asked me to do that…some, maybe…some, probably not. The truth is, MY story is MY story, my experience, in this body, (mis)interpreting signals, learning, taking chances, getting things “right” (whatever that means), getting things “wrong” (whatever that means), and everything in between. And the real truth is, no one else is volunteering to be responsible for the consequences of my decisions in this life, so…yeah…their opinions should matter very little, if at all.

So, what I’m saying is, it’s time for things to change…and probably not just for myself. Probably for you too, if I could be so bold…

And for those of us who have kindness and empathy etched in our DNA, who have been known for our unwavering loyalty, compassion, and sensitivity to others, remember this: The people who are affected by our changing, those with strong reactions and criticism and judgments for us, they are learning valuable lessons in this process, just as we are. And when you try to “protect” them with your silence or by stunting your own growth, you are doing them a major disservice (and of course, yourself as well). You are withholding from them what is theirs to learn and grow from. I have to remind myself of this all the time.

This kind of thing, it’s only uncomfortable for a while. But once you are who you are, then you get to BE who you are. It’s that simple. Painful, yes. Difficult, of course. Will you lose people on this path, most likely. But a friend reminded me that these are critics you don’t want in your life.

None of us know who we will be in 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years from now. We don’t know who we are becoming. We don’t know what new truths and experiences are going to pop up for us that we’ll have to unpack, and process. We don’t know what accepting those truths will require of us. And this is happening to us ALL, ALL OF THE TIME. The more we can get comfortable with this process of changing, the easier these transitions become, the easier it will become to accept new things that come our way. But the more consistently we cling to what others think and expect from us, and the more we try to fit into those expectations, the more these acceptances/rejections of new truths (whichever you choose) will remain difficult and painful.

Before I am your daughter, your sister, your aunt, niece, or cousin, I am my own person, and I will not set fire to myself to keep you warm. -Unknown

So, if you’re going to light anything on fire. Don’t let it be yourself. Don’t let it be your voice. Don’t let it be your truth. Let it be the multitude of lies about yourself you’ve believed your whole life. Let it be the toxic/empty/accommodating/crippling roles you’ve (perhaps unknowingly) consented to. Let it be unhealthy relationships. Let it be your ego. Let it be your perfectly coiffed disposition. Let it be the darkness, or silence, or false protection you’ve found yourself hiding behind. Light that shit up.

And please, take better care of yourself than you do the opinions others have of you. You can do this.

And if one week, you find yourself water, and the next fire. Do that. Be ALL of it.

Cheers to burning everything down that no longer serves you.

In love and power,

Lisa