The Other Side Of Transformation

Man, oh man, do I wish that title was about me being on the other side of transformation. Like, “You guys! I did it! I transformed and got it all figured out!” But to no one’s surprise, this is not the case. I write to you today in the daily drudgery of angst and peace, pain and joy, blah and blah, and blah and blah.

I actually had this idea for a blog a couple of years ago when I was going through a radical transformation…a caterpillar emerging from her cocoon into a wild, exotic, mag-fucking-nificent butterfly…and I wanted my husband, David, to write a guest blog post about what it’s like to walk beside someone going through such intense change and awakening. He, so sweetly, declined, and then decided to go on his own journey of healing and transformation, so I guess it’s up to me.

I joke, but for real, this has been sooooo interesting.

As I’ve changed, I’ve had this mantra that has stuck with me through all of it:

“Everyone is learning their own lessons.”

It was a mantra I needed to carry with me, because my change and healing was affecting the people around me, whether I wanted it to or not. And that was hard. It felt like I was really letting people down, people I really loved.

But I’d try and remind myself, or more, convince myself, that through taking care of myself…saying no to the behaviors, people and things that were hurting me, saying yes to the things that brought me joy and healing, trying out new things, making mistakes…that in the wake of my decisions and learnings, those close to me, those affected, were learning their own lessons.

And come to find out…I think that premise may hold some weight. It might actually be true. Walking next to David, riding the wake of an awakening that is currently surging through him…as new personal truths are being revealed to him, truths that catalyze change, changes that affect me…I’m learning some fucking lessons!

The reason why I wanted David to write this blog earlier, is because he did this “walking along” with such graciousness, and empathy, and space. And thank god I had him as an example to follow, because without that, this would be a disaster. I have taken up so much space the last couple of years working through my issues, and he has been a gentle, patient and welcoming companion, choosing every chance he can to fall more into love with me. And now being on this side of it, I’m scratching my head, wondering, “How did he make it look so easy?”

Change is hard. It’s hard going through it, and it’s hard to hold space for someone as they go through it. Shit, it’s hard to hold space for yourself as you’re being affected by someone else’s change. It’s hard (and stings a little) when someone says, “I’ve been taking care of people for too long. I can’t do it anymore,” and you realize you’ve held a part in the excessive weight that person’s been carrying. It’s hard to experience someone you’ve grown accustomed to being a certain type of very available, jovial, enthusiastic way, sink into their hurt and pain and insecurity as they figure their shit out. It’s hard to see someone emerge from the ashes without wondering if their new brilliance will dim your own. It’s damn near impossible to suppress the visceral call to hurry this thing along so things can go back to the way they were. And it can almost suck the life out of you to know that things cannot go back to the way they once were. Even if you’re able to convince yourself that it will be better for everyone on this side of things, on this side of healing…this side of things…we’ve never been here before…and that’s scary.

I was talking to my friend yesterday about being on this other side of transformation, receiving someone who’s just emerged from the rubble…shiny and bright, maybe a little skittish, scared to reveal the new level of understanding they have about themselves to the people who could reject them the most…how do you receive them without snuffing out their light, without projecting your fear and insecurity about where you stand with them now that things are different? How did David do that for me? Why did he choose to fall more in love with me instead of trying to stuff me back into the box he met me in? How do I do that?

I don’t know why or how he was able to walk this line so wonderfully, but what I am learning for myself, is when I get comfortable with the changing nature of the people around me, I am given a multitude of opportunities to move towards and into love, and therefore drawn into intimacy. If I can be curious and approach another person in the midst of their transformation as if I were some kind of unknowing creature happening upon a new phenomenon, something I’ve never seen or experienced, if I can do this, I am opened up to new worlds of awe and wonder to play in. And that is pretty fucking magical.

I am seeing, this time around, in these last few weeks of unsettledness, of ups and downs, of intense highs and uncomfortable lows, that if I allow David to flow in his authenticity, I am feeling more free to do the same. As David is diving deeper into understanding himself, and I am providing a safe space for him to flow, I am becoming more intimately connected to myself, in my own being and in our relationship, and new truths are popping up for me all over the place. Because of this safe space we’re cultivating between us to speak open and honestly about the things that are changing inside of us, we are able to sift through it all and come to a new understanding of each other. And these new understandings are leading towards new levels of intimacy and transparency that are moving us towards freedom. At least, that’s what it’s feeling like now.

Every morning we all wake up with the potential for expansion, with the opportunity to fall more in love. Every morning is a new wave of wonder waiting to unfold in front of us.

We do not know the person sitting across from us. We do not know the multitude of universes that reside within them; the profoundly etched pains and wounds that may reveal themselves…or not, the meandering wilderness of creativity and brilliance that may unfold…or not, the truest truth, the brightest light, the heaviest darkness, all of it – new worlds waiting, begging, to be discovered. Wow.

Whenever you are hurt, defensive, jealous, unsure, anxious, remember: I am learning lessons and having my own experience in this too. Take a beat. Take a breath. Give yourself a little hug and kiss. And ask a question.

To adventuring in the wildest unknowns and giving our people the space to become,

Lisa