Stillness

My centering prayer a few days ago looked something like this:

<Beginning Chime>

*Deep Breath*

All I am guaranteed in this life is this one breath. This one breath I am breathing now.

I feel sad, angry, frustrated, pent-up.

9-year-old boys in mines, digging metals from inside the earth, for pennies a day, in rain and mud, verbal and physical abuse, body hurting, waking everyday into the same nightmare. A young, black, muslim boy’s body found after being hung and frozen in a forest for weeks, now suspicions of foul play…near Seattle. Seattle! A young, hispanic boy, held by the neck by an off-duty white cop, his group of friends circled around watching helplessly until the cop shoots into the crowd to disperse it. That beautiful, transgender girl and her story of being bullied by kids and adults, using her voice to give hope to others…shouldn’t we, ADULTS, be giving her hope and creating a safe world for these kids to grow up in??

Ground myself. In my tiny body, on this pinpoint of space and time. I am barely anything.

How can there be a loving god who created this world, with its chaos and pain. Hurt people hurting people. Everywhere. I can’t do this. I can’t participate and engage with a god that would do this. I can’t believe there is still a part of me that could believe in this god. I don’t think I do. It just doesn’t make sense. A god that created this world…maybe…but loving? Nope. I just can’t make the puzzle pieces fit.

Engage in stillness. Gently return to breath. *Deep Breath*

Should I participate in the Day without a Woman strike coming up? How much flack will I get on this one? Is it worth it? Probably. Don’t start hiding again, Lisa…but I’m tired of feeling like I need to prove myself, trying to make people understand.

Gently return to breath. *Deep Breath*

(repeat for 20 minutes)

<Ending Chime>

I’ve started this practice of centering prayer, it’s not consistent, and I doubt that the above is a good example of what an ideal prayer looks like, but at minimum, it is 20 minutes in sober reality, sitting with my thoughts and emotions, taking note of the things weighing on my mind. At best, I’m able to acknowledge and then transcend these thoughts, sit above them, even if only for a few moments.

It’s been an interesting few weeks since my last blog. I’m in this super frustrating space of a lot of self-doubt and wandering, which is often a cycle I see myself in as I step out, but also, the world just feels so crazy and loud right now. My peacemaker radar is just going nuts. I’m feeling the need to retreat, watch, listen, wait for safety. So many questions, so many thoughts. I’m unsure of my place and purpose in the context of this political climate and the hurting that’s going on in the world. I’m unsure of my responsibility in some really important relationships, and the next steps that need to take place in mending them. I’m trying to figure out what really matters to me and where my voice would be the most beneficial, because good god is it loud out there. There are so many things to pay attention to. So many important things that matter, life and death things. So much pain, so much hurt, so much hurting. Then there is my husband…and my girls…and myself…our home, my job, his job, groceries, bills, homework, my friends who are hurting. It’s enough to seriously drive someone mad. And then, I freeze, like a deer in headlights, just hoping that semi-truck of life doesn’t run me over.

When I get to this point, where I feel nervous and anxious about everything, I know that I’ve hit some level of disintegration or stress. My friend, Chris Huertz, did an Enneagram workshop a few weeks ago. One thing he said about my basic personality type of ‘Nine: Peacemaker’, is that I need to engage in stillness. That’s an interesting concept, right? ENGAGE in STILLNESS. Actively consent to being still. Acknowledging that things are not okay, and just sitting in that space. Sitting in the not-okayness of life. I can tell you, I am far from mastering this. I’ve gotten better at acknowledging that often times things will be far from ideal and can feel overwhelming and I am okay, but my demeanor, interactions, and productivity are often affected by this state of mind. When my inner-peace is at stake, my outer-world gets pretty shaky, and I systematically start shutting down. I know where this leads because I’ve done it my whole life. When things get scary I get small. BUT I keep reminding myself, I promised to stay open, stay vulnerable, stay curious, stay woke.

Today I read this letter to a young activist in troubled times, and found it helpful. Here are some highlights from it…

…Especially do not lose hope. Most particularly because, the fact is that we were made for these times. Yes. For years, we have been learning, practicing, been in training for and just waiting to meet on this exact plain of engagement.

…Regarding awakened souls, there have never been more able vessels in the waters than there are right now across the world. And they are fully provisioned and able to signal one another as never before in the history of humankind.

In any dark time, there is a tendency to veer toward fainting over how much is wrong or unmended in the world. Do not focus on that. There is a tendency, too, to fall into being weakened by dwelling on what is outside your reach, by what cannot yet be. Do not focus there. That is spending the wind without raising the sails.

…Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.

…What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take everyone on Earth to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.

One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these – to be fierce and to show mercy toward others; both are acts of immense bravery and greatest necessity.

Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do. There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate.

…I hope you will write this on your wall: When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for.

By Clarissa Pinkola Estes

So, here are some practices I will continue engaging. Stillness and contemplative practice, as a necessary teacher of restraint, discernment, and engagement. Reminders to myself that I do not have to figure this all out right now, and that I am not alone in this fight. Self-compassion and self-love, self-compassion and self-love, self-compassion and self-love!!!

Love and peace to you, my friends